It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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