I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
