The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
