i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
