four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I still have a little drunk in my system
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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