It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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