Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
