Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
