he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
