Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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