oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
