instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
