Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
