Apparently you make a good broom.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
