My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
