I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
