My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
