Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize