Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
