theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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