There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
