nut hugger
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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