Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
