By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Screwed.edu
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
