the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
