i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
