How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
