4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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