u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
