my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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