yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
