fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
