I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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