My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
