If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
