I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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