3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
