well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
