i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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