I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
