shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
