I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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