it was like his penis was on wheels.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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