I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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