My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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