He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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