is your mom at the bar?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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