he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
