I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
