Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
