I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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