Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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