don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
