Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
