True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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