So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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