My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
