Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
