mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
