i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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